3 Ways to Build your Self-Esteem

SELF-ESTEEM

How one FEELS about oneself, ones worth or abilities.

SELF-IMAGE

How one SEES oneself, both internally and externally.

From the time we hit the planet, there are negative forces that are constantly trying to tear us, abuse us…make us feel less than loved, worthy, accepted and beautiful. We enter the world with a clean slate…completely innocent and whole. Then the attacks start the moment we are born.

“Awww. She’s so cute but her head is HUGE. Girl, I know she tore you up!”

“Awww. Look at the baby. Wow….he’s really DARK. Blackity Black. Looks like he reached back to those slave genes!”

SOME people mean no harm. However, intentions do not negate harmful outcomes. And it’s a universal issue. No matter your race, gender, ethnicity…or where you were born…we ALL are faced with challenges to our self esteem to various degrees due to personal interactions and societal pressures. Personal interactions via insensitive teasing, put downs and even bullying from family, friends or anyone you see on a regular basis like classmates, neighbors, etc. All media, social and mainstream, as well as tv shows and films that only depict certain groups as beautiful, worthy, accepted or desirable is the conduit for societal pressures leaving many of us believing we are lacking the “good enough-ness” needed to be successful in this world.

So HOW do we overcome challenged self-esteem and self-image?

TALK TO THYSELF & ONE WILL HEAL THYSELF

Words are the first weapon used against many of us, which is not coincidence. It was always a lie that “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”. Words can hurt…but they can also heal. Don’t wait for anyone else to heal you though. That is not anyone else’s responsibility. YOU can use your own words to heal yourself. I had to combat so many negative things that affected my self-esteem for many years when I was younger. Lord knows that if I hadn’t had the proper foundation in my parents, I would have had a much harder road to travel. One way I rebuilt myself was by staring in the mirror, in my own eyes and speaking positive words of life and God’s words about me..over me. TALK yourself into a positive self image! Reject any negativity. Whether from your own mouth, thoughts or from someone else’s. HEAL THYSELF WITH THY OWN WORDS. **Test:If someone gives you positive affirmation and you are unable to BELIEVE that they are speaking truth, you know that you still have healing to do. Keep going.**

CONSIDER THE SOURCE

My mother always says “Consider the source.” Which basically means before you allow something that someone says to you or about you to AFFECT you, consider WHO is saying it. Do they have good sense, or nah? Someone who loves and cares about you? Do they matter in the big scheme of your life? If they do matter, consider who they are as a person and their motive for saying what they are saying. I come from a big crazy LOVING family. But like many typical black families, growing up and even now, we would “score” on each other, crack jokes and tease. Sometimes mercilessly. It was like a competition…whoever was quickest and wittiest with the tongue gained the biggest response. Usually you would use anything you could to “win”. If a person had buck teeth, you honed in on that. If someone was fat, you threw a few punches that way. Thick glasses. A Nerd. Payless special gym shoes. Whatever. It was all laughs and jokes. But underneath, there were many wounds. Sometimes just subconsciously. Especially for a sensitive soul, like mine. And I KNOW my family loves me. Period. As much as we would crack jokes on each other, we would also support, compliment, protect and fight for each other with no hesitation. But there are those who don’t come from families where love is displayed. Some are truly abused and their souls are crushed by the people closest to them. When “considering the source”, have needed discussions with those who really matter about the affects of the words/actions, and then FORGIVE. Most likely, they had no idea how you were affected. If you were wounded by a source that doesn’t matter, like an old classmate that you haven’t seen in years, chalk it up to young and dumbness then also FORGIVE. Don’t keep carrying the weight of words from someone who doesn’t really matter for your life.

RELATE TO THE BEAUTY IN OTHERS

I used to hate my forehead. Thought it was too big. You wouldn’t catch me without bangs. If the wind was blowing outside, I would walk holding my bangs down so that my forehead wouldn’t accidentally be exposed. It was a mess! Why do we criticize ourselves or internalize criticism from others about things that we cannot do anything about?? And who said there’s something wrong with a big forehead or buck teeth or juicy lips anyway?? It’s ludicrous. But I had to come to that revelation. One by one, I started facing each thing that I didn’t like about myself…all things that I was born with. Things that GOD gave me. And I started rebuilding with not only my words but with images. Successful brown women like Grammy award winning singer Sade, former editor-in-chief of Essence magazine Susan L. Taylor and supermodel/business mogul Tyra Banks helped to reshape the negative narrative in my head about myself. These women were and are beautiful, bold and unapologetic about their large foreheads…with historical signature slicked back hairstyles that purposely displayed their asset. And I set my goal to be just like them. Me and my big fo’head has been winning ever since.

mai lesson – Be the best you that you can be. But don’t hate what God gave because of other people’s words and perceptions. What was the main self-esteem challenge you thought about regarding yourself when you were reading this? How did you overcome it? Or are you still a work in progress? Hint: We ALL are.