A Degree of Separation from Surviving R. Kelly

“I’m going out there to play ball. I want to take you with me…introduce you to him.

He’ll probably want you…you look so young.”

The HIM he was referring to was R. Kelly. Although he wasn’t at the height of his career, he had long cemented his place in pop culture , music history….and more than that, he had a firm place in the hearts of many black folks. Especially in his hometown of Chicago. My guy friend had already given me the rundown of his relationship with “Kells”, having met and bonded with him years ago over hoops. I was supposed to be excited…honored to be taken to this particular celebrity’s home by him. In typical human fashion, I actually was honored. But he didn’t know my complicated feelings about his “big bro”.

It was several years after the 2002 child porn charges due to the “leak” of the sex tape with his then protege, Sparkle’s, niece. For the record, I have never seen the video and have no desire to do so. Just the knowledge that somebody’s child was peed on (thanks Dave Chappelle!) and sexed by this overgrown man was enough to turn my stomach. But the complications were there way before that.

“Honey Love” with his group Public Announcement started it all for me. My JAM. But, for those who remember, he was seen as a copy of Aaron Hall from the group GUY when he first came on the scene. I was a huge GUY fan so I was already trying not to feel this new dude that seemed to be stealing some style. But then 12 Play dropped while I was in college. ARRGGHHHHH! Hit after hit after nasty hit. And although I never bought the CD, it was played EVERYWHERE…by practically everyone. This little hormonal-now-free-to-“do what chu like” (cue Digital Underground) CHURCH girl who had been TRAINED to listen to lyrics her whole life was getting an earful from this brotha. Conflicted to say the least. I liked the music…but I felt wrong listening to it. Why? The FEELINGS it stirred in me…not to mention what it made me IMAGINE. All things I had yet to experience. Was trying to WAIT to experience. Curiosity kills…the CAT. Selah. The same man that did Bump N Grind and Feelin on Yo Booty…did I Believe I can Fly and I Wish. He is and always has been a conflicted individual…with extremes. Which is why I could never truly be a “fan” of the artist…even before the sex tape, the allegations and now the “Surviving R. Kelly” docu-series on Lifetime.

I side-eyed my guy friend when he made the “he’ll probably want you” comment. Telling him he’d better stop running his mouth with the bootleg phone that he had, which was always randomly pocket-dialing folks. He had been recorded by mistake on my voicemail on more than one occasion. Knowing what R. Kelly had been accused of, I didn’t think it wise that one of his associates would make a comment like that. Plus I didn’t believe him. He just responded that it was “The Truth”. Now that I think about it, I wonder if my sub-conscious motives for shushing him was one of protection. Was I trying to PROTECT R. Kelly??

I politely declined the invite and took my butt home. Sad to say, it wasn’t because I was so disgusted with the host at that time. But rather it was already 10pm on a weeknight…and I had to work the next morning. Perhaps responsibility and a little common sense saved me from the possibilities. Or maybe it was GOD.

I watched all 6 episodes of the Surviving R. Kelly series, and realized that he not only likes young girls, but there were at least a couple of 30 somethings that had been caught up with him as well. I would like to think that if I had gone that night and met him…if he had “wanted me” as my friend had stated….that I would have had enough discernment and fortitude to resist the charm of his 6’1 frame, deep set eyes, artistry…flattery. The reality is I was not my normal self when I received this invite. I had just broken up with my husband, was heartbroken, confused, vulnerable…and on a dangerous mission to BE DIFFERENT than I had been. Which was not a good thing at all. So when I watched these women tell their stories, I knew in my heart….THERE but for the grace of God, go I.

mai personal protest: I’ve never purchased one CD or a ticket to a show. Now, I do not listen to Honey Love or any other R. Kelly songs. The only support I have for him is prayer for change, deliverance, healing….and JUSTICE for those who unfortunately have to call themselves Survivors.