SINGLE LADY….MARRIED MAN

Junior High. I was skinny and awkward. He was friendly and popular. Years moved. Seniors. A typical unruly public high school Computer Science class. Long time friends together. Now a cheerleader and a football player. I wasn’t quite so skinny and awkward anymore. Others noticed how he liked my personal space during class. Always touching, laughing…talking quietly, so close to my ear that I could feel his breath on my neck and sometimes the brush of his lips. In my eyes, he was just my boy. And I had no thoughts one way or the other about his long-time girlfriend down the hall. And so mai lesson began….

I thought I hadn’t done anything “wrong”. I never initiated any actions toward him. I only responded to HIS. But I also never stopped him from touching a leg, arm, shoulder….or from whispering because I honestly did not understand how utterly inappropriate it all was. He actually never SAID anything inappropriate…all jokes or trash talking. But from the outside, it LOOKED hella bad…the epitome of “the appearance of evil”. I was 16 and clueless.

WHY DO SINGLE WOMEN PARTICIPATE IN INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR WITH UNAVAILABLE MEN?

1. IGNORANCE – In my example, I was young and had not yet been someone’s girlfriend or wife. I truly was ignorant of how to behave with someone else’s guy, even if that guy was my friend. I simply did not get IT…that is until I became a girlfriend, a fiance, a wife myself. WHAT A REVELATION! Technically not doing “anything wrong” does not give anyone a pass when the actions they are participating in would be unacceptable to them if THEY were the girlfriend or the wife. This is not to be confused with the very grown woman who KNOWS that her interaction with a “taken” man is wrong. This woman is operating out of a different type of ignorance that is usually shrouded in selfishness, a lack of empathy as well as the lack of understanding of a basic universal law: YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW…. especially knowingly.
2. NEEDINESS – There are some women who are so emotionally, physically or financially needy that they do not care where their “help” comes from. A wedding band does not deter them. Some even relish in the idea of snatching some forbidden love and affection…hunching shoulders saying “If he were happy with HER..if SHE were doing her job, he wouldn’t be here with me!” Still others have swallowed the hopelessness fed in statistics about the imbalanced ratio between available women and men…opting again to settle for ANY attention, even if it is from another woman’s man.

After my high school episode, and some experiences as a girlfriend/fiance/wife with some needy females, I knew what type of woman…what type of LADY I did and did NOT want to be. So I became conscious of my interactions and almost fiercely protective of my guy friends and their relationships. “I’m a wife’s best friend, even if she doesn’t know it!”

A SINGLE LADY’S GUIDE

Avoid doing ANYTHING with your married/committed guy friends that you wouldn’t want your OWN man to do with another woman. Period. That’s a simple litmus test for every interaction. For instance, one of my very good married guy friends tried to convince me to ride on his motorcycle with him because I’ve never been on one. (I actually dislike the things no matter how cool they look). I refused. Why? Riding a motorcycle with someone requires a level of physical closeness i.e. wrapping your open legs around the driver that I have deemed would be inappropriate for me to do with my married guy friend. Of course, he saw no issue with it. But I was thinking about what HIS WIFE would feel. Ladies, please understand that the TYPICAL man tends to push the envelope and dance in the gray when it comes to these things. So unfortunately, most of the time it will be left to YOU to keep things within the lines with him. Let’s get specific….

1. Limit the talk/text/face2face time. Long consistent conversations “just to catch up” are no nos. If you have business together, handle the business. But keep the boundaries in place. If he starts to hit you up everyday, every other day…be unavailable. He needs to go talk to his OWN woman. Not you. You don’t need the problems of emotional or any other ties that comes with constant casual communication with a man who is not yours.
2. If he behaves differently toward you when his woman is around versus when she’s not, RED FLAG! Brotha is all hugs, smiles and in-depth conversation at an event or at work. But the next time you see him and his woman is with him, he has what my mother calls “Husband Eyes”. No eye contact, barely gives you a tight mouthed “Hello” or generally acts as if he doesn’t see you at all. He’s on some BS. Boy Bye! Forever!
3. If he is truly a close friend, try to develop an authentic relationship with his woman as well. Don’t force it. But let your ACTIONS show her that you care for him so you care for who he cares for, which is her. And that you are not someone that wanted her man but settled for the friend zone cause that’s all you could get. Which is what you look like if you treat her funny or indifferent but have all love for him. Motives. NOTE: If your guy friend IS someone that you had feelings for at some point in time ESPECIALLY if you were intimate with him, don’t be that fake phony back stabbing chick that acts like she just LOVESSS her friend’s new woman and suddenly try to be her bestie just to stay in the mix of THEIR lives. Meanwhile you’re wishing you were in her shoes and looking for any opportunity to stay close to HIM. Shameful. Be cordial and respectful…but authentic…have some personal dignity and fall back.

THE SEPARATED MARRIED MAN

He’s a good dude with whom you’ve found you have a connection pretty quickly….then you discover that he’s married. Sigh and sad face. He and the wife are separated. He swears it’s irreparable. Over. My advice? Again, FALL BACK. Separated is STILL MARRIED. I would not start dating him for a number of reasons, including HE IS STILL MARRIED!

1. Until them papers are filed AND the ink is dry, there’s always a chance for reconciliation. Respect the process.
2. Anyone that’s ever gone through a divorce knows that it’s complicated and there’s levels to unpeeling ones entire life away from another. The emotional rollercoaster is enough to make you upchuck randomly on any given day. And if there’s kids involved…it makes it that much more complicated to rebuild. Again, RESPECT THE PROCESS and where the man is at in that process. Most likely he is in no emotional, spiritual or psychological state to hop into a REAL relationship with anyone. The concept of getting over one woman by getting another is why we have the high rate of relational dysfunction that we have.
3. There are men who NEVER officially divorce their wives for one reason (excuse) or another but will get deeply involved in another relationship. Some of these men like to use their official relationship status as a way to keep the “current” woman at bay when she starts with the “What are we doing?” questions. Afterall, he can’t marry you because he’s already married. So after 3, 5, 10 years, you’ve invested in and built a life with a man who really is NOT your man. If you need proof of this, let him die. YOU WILL HAVE NO RIGHTS. It doesn’t matter that he’s been sharing a life and bed with you for the last several years. His WIFE will have all next of kin rights, privileges…and insurance money. There have been women who were barely able to attend the funeral of “their man” and surely did not have any say in his service or final resting place. THE WIFE HAS ALL LEGAL RIGHTS. Save yourself a good chance at heartbreak and fall back the moment you find out a man is not officially single. If he wants you, he will handle/resolve/conclude his marital business and come back for you after he’s official…of course, if you’re still available and want him.

mai lesson – Respect the relationships of others and you’ll lay a proper foundation for your own. Help an unavailable man keep it honest by NOT participating in anything that would be detrimental and disrespectful to his woman, whether she’s present or not. Don’t be THAT CHICK. After all, we ARE our sister’s keeper. Selah.