SURRENDER.

“Oh no!”

Pinching my half naked earlobe as I drove, I felt my favorite gold hoop was M.I.A. No hooked or latched earring is safe with these darn masks. Sigh. One hand on the steering wheel, the other feeling up and down, in and out of my top, sports bra and other cervices…searching. Worry and irritation, my normal response to unexpected…anything, was setting in.

“Wait…let me just pray that I find it.”

Yep, I sure did. Prayed for real. Called on The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost, the angels AND the ancestors for my earring!! LBVS

Sounds ludicrous to waste my breath and God’s time with such small matters when there’s the Russia/Ukraine conflict, fears of WW3, the lingering Covid-19 pandemic, murders, racial injustices/inequalities, sex trafficking, child abuse, pet abuse, global warming, corrupt politicians, phishing and and and and and and ANNDDDDDDD!!!!

So many major things affecting our world..much more important than my lil 14k hoop. Yet…

My personal theme for 2022 came to me several weeks ago. It’s already been proven that this year will be the most intentional and mandatory thus far with actively reminding myself to DO IT.

“SURRENDER…”

“YOUR INDEPENDENCE…”

“TO GOD.”

In three parts, I heard it.

I started shaking like a crackhead inside after the word SURRENDER.

INDEPENDENCE nearly took my knees out.

The abstract period of TO GOD….oohhhhh the sheer HORROR and YIKESSSSSS…in my calm but not calm voice.

What does it even mean? What does that look like in the practical tangible world?? What does it look like FOR ME THIS YEAR in MAI WORLD???

You would think for a lady who grew up in The Church an unapologetic Jesus Freak (cue DC Talk) turned Relationship over Religion Christ follower (and still sorta a Jesus Freak)…this theme should cause little to no reaction. This is an “already did it, so we’re good” moment, right? I mean, for those who are Believers, aren’t we supposed to be surrendered to God from the door? Hello “salvation prayer”!

Confession.

I’ve been fighting against The Wind my whole life. Not on purpose. But I do not like….pain. Of any kind. A shot of the not so great stuff early in life had me QUICKLY figuring out how I was going to dodge as many of those bullets as humanly possible. I no longer trusted The Wind to cover me or push me in the direction where the good life…all my lofty dreams, desires and basic needs like love, peace, joy…food were. So I subconsciously ATTEMPTED to take over the reigns of my soul, my feelings, my emotions…at about 5-ish years old. (Ridiculous but true. I was gone try dammit! lol) And as I got older, and more in control of my external world, MAI Master plan expanded. Nevermind the “holes” that served as proof that my methods failed me. Wounded from head to toe…I obviously did not dodge A Thing! Sigh again.

Over the last several years, the realization that MAI plan was faulty at the core and in need of being abandoned hit me. Fighting The Wind is major lifting…even for a young Tyson, so lil ole me never stood a chance. But I CAN DO THIS in Jesus name!!!….so I thought. Decades of trying to control MAI world and MAI outcomes and MAI heart and MAI future on MAI own….whew!

It has drained mai. Selah.

Somewhere inside, I knew this year’s personal theme was coming. Scared I am, yet again. Cause this life has taught me to only fully trust…myself. I THINK I KNOW what I’m doing, capable of doing, planning to do. Very little guesses or surprises. So I’m learning to trust The Wind again…but for real this time.

Now hold on. This does not look like being passive, not making decisions, overspiritualizing errr’thang, not taking responsibility and accountability for mai life. What it does look like is CONSCIOUS PARTNERSHIP with God on everything FOR REAL (not just in Jesus name or “by faith”…or praying and hearing MAI desired answer regardless…if you know you know lol).

From who I will marry-to money matters-to what to post on social media-to what NOT to say in a text….to lost earrings. It’s having a conversation with God…The All Knowing One, so I can get clued in on some things. It’s not carrying MAI world or anyone else’s on my shoulders. It’s truly believing, fully trusting, absolutely knowing that God’s plan does not promise to be easy, but ultimately GOOD. It is the only way for this lady to learn this lesson and graduate to the next level…according to The Wind.

By the way, it was found. My earring was. Safely tucked away in the secret place…under my butt cheek.

I am loved. Unapologetically. And I finally and truly exhale.