I’m an eyes person. It’s perhaps the first thing I notice on someone’s face. They tell a story, even the tales one doesn’t want revealed. When I first saw the now viral image of 25-year-old murder victim, Shanquella Robinson, bottom resting on her calfs, long straight hair covering her bare breasts…intense gaze through smokey spiky lashes….I could hear her almost as clearly as if she whispered in my ear. “I’m Bold. Hungry. I Desire to BECOME so much in this life…”
I’ve been pondering the whole idea of friendship and our human need for connection…to belong somewhere, with someone. After all, many of us joined groups, clubs, teams, organizations, squads, crews….gangs…all in search of that belonging. A knowing that you’re not in the world by yourself. That you have the ability to connect outside of your family of origin. Friends are family that you CHOOSE, right?
But HOW does one choose true & good friends?
As with most things in a normal childhood, friendships were simple back then. You were in the same class…the first days of lunch breaks and recess were awkward. Then someone is open enough to ask you if you wanted to play or sit with them. And it happened again the next day, then the next and the next.
The older we get, it seems to be more complex to identify a true friend. After some early missteps, I think I’ve mastered who to assign The Friend title to now. And I’m very discriminant.
THINGS TO DO & CONSIDER WHEN CHOOSING FRIENDS
- WATCH…when no one knows you’re looking. True Story. Two best friends were in the school restroom. One was a “traditional” cutie by boys’ standards. The other was not. The Cutie was in the mirror, refreshing her hair. The other was standing to the side, watching…staring…glaring. If looks could kill! She did not know that The Cutie could see her in the mirror. In the blindspot, she decided to take The Mask off for a moment. This moment was the 1st to reveal she was actually no friend of hers. Jealousy and envy would not allow it. She confessed years later that she only hung out with her because all the boys she liked, liked The Cutie. The lesson? Fake friends will eventually drop The Mask, usually when they don’t think they can be seen. It may be literally, like in this story…or via a backstabbing conversation caught on a voice message that’s mistakenly recorded after they thought the phone was hung up. How ever it’s revealed, take it as a blessing and DO NOT IGNORE. End it.
- BEWARE OF TEAM BUILDERS. Some people like to brag on their “circle”. The first things they mention are the stats that they think will be impressive to others. “Oh…my girl went to Harvard Law. My boy is the CEO of that Fortune 500 company. My girl is a celebrity stylist. My boy just bought a Bentley.” You want friends who like/love you FOR YOU. Not for where you’re going in life, what you do as a profession, who you know, what you have or even what you look like. A true friendship is not calculated. It’s organic. If you suspect that someone is trying to befriend you because they are building an impressive team, RUN. Because if you happen to NOT be whatever is benefitting them or making them look good any longer, you’ll see how long the “friendship” lasts.
- DO NOT CONFUSE ACQUAINTANCES & COLLEAGUES with FRIENDS. In life, we meet people who we become connected to simply because we have the same goal at the same time. You see them everyday at work or every week at your organization’s meeting or at a worship service. Maybe you worked on a project with them for 3 months and you’ve had “personal” conversations during that time. This can often cause us to mistake these individuals for friends because the type and frequency of interaction feels so…friend-like. But it’s not necessarily so. It can be a set up for pain, disappointment and harm to have people in the wrong category. Don’t make any assumptions. Use context clues during your interaction in these spaces to locate what type of relationship it really is. Friends, again, are people who, no matter how or where you met, you have a genuine heart connection with that is based on WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON and nothing else. No space, time, distance or status change will affect true friendships.
- BEING EQUALLY YOKED IS VERY IMPORTANT. You can be “cool” with anyone. Folks who have very different lifestyles, experiences, perspectives and beliefs as you. But your FRIENDS should share the same basic morals and values as yourself. We all know people, maybe even we have been that person, who started hanging out with “the wrong crowd” and ended up allowing ourselves to be influenced to participate in things that we wouldn’t normally do. And very quickly, life can get way off track. You and your friends need to be in alignment with how you THINK. If you wouldn’t leave an inebriated friend alone at a party or elsewhere with a stranger or in any other unsafe situation, you need to make sure he/she has that same energy. If you would never flirt or sleep with your friend’s significant other, you better be sure y’all have the same mindset backed up by actions. It may seem exciting to hang out with someone who is the opposite of you, but when it comes down to it, you want to be able to trust and depend on those in your inner circle. Unfortunately for Shanquella, she found herself with “friends” who felt it was absolutely fine to physically attack her and allow her to be attacked. No one came to her aid. I cannot imagine how scary and lonely those last moments were for her.
- BEWARE OF AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE. A person who lacks maturity, self control or who resorts to violence when angry should not be in your inner circle. An argumentative person who has a problem getting along with others should be avoided as well. These are individuals who will eventually turn their aggression on you or put you in a dangerous situation due to their aggressive behavior. These folks need to be in the acquaintance “I see you, when I see you” category.
Of course, these tips make the assumption that you yourself are not the toxic individual who is not capable of being a GOOD FRIEND. Now, I do not fully agree with the whole “you attract who you are” sentiment. I think you can attract many things that are not a reflection of who you are. But I think who and what you ACCEPT in your life is a reflection of what’s going on inside of you. Selah.
I honestly wish I could have shared these tips with Shanquella. Maybe she would not have ended up in Cabo with that group of “friends” at all. Instead I’ll pray that it helps someone else to not only choose wisely, but to MOVE wisely. May “justice” be served….quickly.